‘But where have you been?’ we hear you cry, as you foam at the mouth and suffer nasty hallucinations about snails and things — classic CRASH withdrawal symptoms. Well, we can’t tell a lie, the truth of the matter is...
Nicko, Corky and I bounded into CRASH Towers, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on September 17, 1991, ready for a new day’s work (and if you believe that, you’ll believe anything!). Ex-Ed Richard Eddy was off sick that day (blinkin’ girl’s blouse) so he was saved the horrors to come! He couldn’t cope with us after the happening so he’s defected to Code Masters — but that’s another story (see elsewhere in Happenings).
As we merrily got stuck into CRASH (oh, what a wonderful mag!), we heard a strange noise. Newsfield staff dashed to the windows and gawped out. What a sight did we behold!
Fluttering through the sky was the strangest spacecraft anyone had ever seen. Would you believe it? A spaceship that looked an awful lot like a redundancy cheque!
Open-mouthed, we stared in wonder (Corky got a bit upset ’cos a bee went in his gob) as the great ship alighted on CRASH Towers — my god! Even the moat couldn’t stop it.
As the doors of the craft opened, one of the new recruits from another mag suggested we get out our Speccys and bomb the basts-, but Nicko told him not to be such a prat and punched his lights out.
Hideous beings emerged... what to do, what to do? Ring the police? Go to the toilet? Hide under the table? No, we did what we had to. We waited.
Soon, the leader of the aliens entered the building. Men, women and pillocks alike went white and fainted as the thing began speaking.
‘Lend me your ears, Earthlings. I am Liquidatorus from the planet GONEBUST and I bring you news. Listen hard, ’cos if you don’t, I’m going to bite you,’ he boomed.
Heavy stuff. What he want to borrow our ears? We’re all rather attached to them. Lugs clamped for safety, we didn’t hear a word Liquidatorus said. Eventually he got totally racked off and bundled us into the redundancy cheque lookalike and whisked us off to the planet GONEBUST.
The horrors we endured are too dreadful to talk about. These wicked creatures tried to convince us that classic mags such as CRASH and ZZAP! were finished. Even Newsfield itself was blasted into oblivion. But we were strong. Nothing could convince us that CRASH was gone forever.
Just when the torture was getting too much, as our willpower faded, there was a blinding flash of light. Help arrived, lasers set to stun, in the form of Europress. They dragged us from the quagmire of despair and put CRASH back where it belonged — on the shelves and in your homes and hearts!!
Round of applause, everybody, for our big-hearted rivals, Future Publishing (Your Sinclair). They were so impressed with CRASH and our Commodore sister mag, ZZAP! 64, they tried to buy them when Newsfield went bust.
After finally getting Future publisher, Jane Richardson, on the blower, she categorically denied the intention was to kill off your fave mags (CRASH and ZZAP!, that is). ‘No, this was not a deliberate attempt to squash the opposition. We like competition. CRASH and ZZAP are very strong titles and we certainly didn’t want them to die,’ said she pleasantly betwen gritted teeth.
She went on: ‘We had several options open to us, had we got the titles. We probably would have incorporated them into our existing magazines.’
So there you have it, viewers, straight from the horse’s mouth. Just one question springs to mind: incorporating CRASH would mean relegating it to a tiny corner of Your Sinclair’s cover. Now if that isn’t killing CRASH off, what the hell is?
Not content with bursting open people’s bellies and generally being pains in the posterior, the Aliens are back for the third time to cause even more grief for poor old Ripley in Alien 3. This time our handy heroine will dash around the bleak and hostile planet of Fiorino (doesn’t that poor girl ever go anywhere bright and sunny?) doing what she does best — wasting Aliens (somebody has to). She’s not helped in her task by some completely pillocky company — Wayland Yutani that can’t wait to lay its hands on a real live Alien. Why? We don’t know ’cos the movie isn’t coming out till next year, so game makers Mirrorsoft are sworn to secrecy as far as the plot’s concerned.
As for the game, the main thrust’ll be for Ripley to find the Aliens — before they find her. Then she’s got to invent lots of weird and wonderful ways of bumping them off. There’s loads of weapons ’n’ stuff to pick up along the way and the programmers have done their best to pack all the terror of the movie into the eight-way scrolling action-packed game.
Big sobs everybody, CRASH’s lord and master, Richard ‘lushcake’ Eddy (known as Dick Ed when he first arrived at CRASH) has left us (and no, just because I’ve taken over, it doesn’t make me Nicko and Corky’s mistress — Ed). Ready Eddy has gone on to higher things — and we’re talking much higher. Namely, the spiritual advisor to the Yeti on Mount Everest. It takes all sorts, I guess.
Wow, does that Yeti need help! We’re talking serious psychological problems here, and it’s up to Richie-boy to sort them out. The poor thing is really a cutsey wabbit — the Yeti, that is, not Richard — which the Powers That Be stuffed into the wrong body while necking loadsa lager one day. They also gave it a false sense of perception, so remember, every time the Yeti stamps on your head and rips you limb from limb with its fearsome gnashers, don’t take it personally. It just thinks you’re a lettuce!
Okay, so this codswallop. The truth is (and it’s stranger than fiction) Code Masters have snapped up Richard as their new super-go-fast PR peep (wow, how impressive!).
Commenting on the move, he said: ‘I’ve always been impressed with Code Masters’ operation and its incredibly successful track record proves it’s a great company to be part of. The people at CM, from the programmers to the production and sales staff, form a highly creative team and the line-up of product has never been better.’ (Well, he would. Wotta creep!)
And his message to you lot: “Stay lush, lushcakes!!” Profound Richie-babes, profound.
We thought about chucking him in the Hi-Fire Horror House as punishment for leaving us but then we found a folder full of old photos instead. Ha ha, a plan. Let’s show Richard as you’ve never seen him before....
Anyway, Richard, take care of yourself, my son, we’re going to miss you here at CRASH Towers. Have a good life and may the fleas of a thousand camels never inhabit your armpits etc. (Is that creepy enough to deserve getting first peek at all the Code Masters’ games in future? No? You want more? No problem...!) You’re our hero and you’re totally brill and great and wonderful and sexy and... (Enough? Phew!)
Stuck for something to buy your computer-crazed brother or sister this Christmas? Or fancy treating yourself to something a bit special? Then have a butchers at the Christmas Megapack (what an original name!) from Konix, the joystick giants, and Code Masters.
They’re bundling together eight cracking casette games together with a standard Konix joystick for the measly price of £19.99, including VAT. A real bargain bonanza!
The games are ATV, Advanced Pinball Simulator, BMX Riding Simulator, Pro-Tennis, International Rugby, MiG 29, Fruit Machine Simulator and Grand Prix Simulator.
If you’re wondering how much all this lot would cost if you bought them separately, let’s save you the headache — £44! Wow! Mega-bucks! It doesn’t take much mental arithmetic (are mental arithmetics kept in padded cells?) to realise this pack saves you an amazing £21 (and a pee). Three cheers for Konix and Code Masters. Hip hip...!