It’s festival time here in sunny Ludlow, and there’s classical culture at the castle with this year’s Shakespeare performance which, naturally, I attend. Meanwhile the rest of the CRASH editorial rabble visit the fringe down at the local watering hole The Pig And Ballbearings. Indeed, Mike Dunn and Richard Eddy actually appeared in this year’s duo of smutty plays. Mike (playing two characters) in Mind Your Backs, a spoof of Julius Caesar and Richard, running around on stage in a rather disgusting dress, in the suitably named Dirty Beasts! But here, it’s on with my show in Live Circuit!
Dear Lloyd,
Ignore the dorks that reckon CRASH has got worse. Although I’ve only
bought a few over the years, in my opinion, issues 65 and 66 were much better
than the others. The games were amazing — my favorite was Micronaut One.
Half of the stuff in the ‘old’ CRASH I didn’t read, it was so
boring! If CRASH carries on how it is, I’ll get it every month.
Dave Litchfield
Ah, the converted!
LM
Dear Lloyd,
I thought you might be interested in a couple of my home-grown limericks: There
was an old nut from Dundee, Who went out and bought an ST, When he played on
his games, He burst into flames, I think he should’ve bought a plus 3!!
OR... There was a young girl from Margate, Who went fishing with large pieces
of bait, When she caught very little, She came home in a fiddle, And played on
her Speccy 128!!!
Robin Haynes
There once was a chap, name of Robin, Who had a nice donkey
named Dobbin, But Dobbin did die, So Robin befriended a fly, Which is a bit of
a stupid idea when you come to think about it.
LM
Dear Lloyd,
Monday, a warm sunny day at the train station with nothing to do I walk into
the newsagents and look at the shelves. What’s this? CRASH with four
free games and a level of a space game (That’s Sanxion — LM). This
was how I got back into computer games. I dusted down the old Speccy, rewired
the tape recorder and thumped life into the TV. After playing the games twenty
times over I looked in my drawer for any other good games to play. I came
across Fred. I really enjoyed this game, the graphics were fun, the
sound was neat, and as for addictiveness — I just can’t stop
playing it!! So, I was wondering if you had the old ratings for it, was it a
CRASH Smash?!I Keep up the good work and THANKS!!
Stephen Goodwin
Welcome back to the Speccy fold, Stephen — keep getting
CRASH and your software collection will grow and grow. As for Fred, originally
published by Quicksilva, it was reviewed in issue three and the ratings were:
Use Of Computer 85%, Graphics 90%, Playability 87%, Getting Started 88%,
Addictive Qualities 70%, Value For Money 80% and Overall 83%.
LM
Dear Lloyd,
As winners of the Powerplay Design a Joystick competition we went to the
factory and then to Alton Towers. What a fantastic day out it was! The people
at Powerplay could not have been nicer, and it was most interesting to be able
to make our own joysticks. Alton Towers was great, but we must tell you that
CRASHman Mark Caswell bottled out of going on the Corkscrew. He kept mentioning
something about G force and that he was only there as an observer. So no matter
what he says, you know the truth. Thanks to all at CRASH for making our trip
possible.
Peter and Nicholas Young
I think Mark is a sensible fellow.
You wouldn’t catch me defying
Corkscrew G-forces.
LM
It’s those little things that make all the difference.
I have never met Pamella Bordes,
and if I have it has always been in
the company of plastic surgeons,
close friends or Sun reporters.
Norman Payne
Naughty Norman in Southampton Sun shocker with stunning Pam!
Phroooowar! Ahem.
LM
What’s wrong with your pound sign
in the classifieds?
Colin MacDonald
Why does S******r U**r
always
slag you off in their magazine?
They don’t have much to be proud
about!!!
Martin Humpries
Now, I’m not the bitching sort
but.. (SNIP! Removed for libellous
reasons — Ed)
LM
My mother is a tortoise freak, are there any tortoise games out
on the market for the Speccy?
Robin Haynes
Rumours have it that MouldCasters are due to release Advanced
Tortoise Simulator later this year.
LM
Got something to say? Send your missives to LLOYD MANGRAM, LIVE CIRCUIT, CRASH.
Who are these two young foxtresses? We don’t know, but the disk drive pictured between them is the new Lifetime drive from MGT. It’s a unique solution for the user of more than one computer. Gadzooks! Do you know what that means? Yes! By setting switches and changing cable, the Lifetime drive can be quickly and easily reconfigured to work with a wide range of computers, including Speccy, PC, Amiga, ST, QL, and BBC. The Lifetime drive is available from MGT and costs £129.95 — and comes without girlies.
It’s the tennis sensation that’s sweeping the nation! Image Works have just signed a deal to convert Sega’s arcade tennis game Passing Shot onto the Speccy. The conversion is being done by Teque, who converted Blasteroids rather well.
Say Image Works: ‘Passing Shot successfully conveys the impression of playing Grand Slam season with doubles or singles championships taking place across the globe covering both clay and grass courts. And we promise not to make a total hash of it.’ Good for them. Passing Shot will be published in September (£8.99 cass, £12.99 disk). Rackets at the ready!
Music making programs on the Spectrum have never been fantastic. From the simulated three channel sound of programs like Wham: The Music Box to home made tunes using the BEEP command. Well, now here’s a new piece of music making software for all you budding Jason Donovans to create masterpieces on, and it’s called Music Maestro.
The program offers advanced editing facilities, with notes being heard as they are entered, and the different lengths of notes being selected at the touch of a button. You also get tunes as demonstrations, and there is a sound-to-light option to give you your own light show! The cost of this amazing software break through? Only £9.95 on cassette and £12.95 on +3 disk. Unfortunately it is only available by mail order. Well what are you waiting for? You could soon be on Top Of The Pops!
‘Excuse me miss?’
‘Waddya mean, miss!’
‘Err, sorry, I had a cold. Ay bought this ’ere
computer game not twenty minutes ago from
this very boutique...’
‘... Yeah?’
‘Well, it’s dead!’
‘Dead?’
‘Dead. Demaysed. It’s passed on.’
‘Naa, it’s pining. For the fjords.’
‘Paynin’ for the fjords? What kaynd of talk is that?’
Pretty strange talk if you ask us. Mind you, Virgin Games’ latest licence is rather out of the ordinary, too. Monty Python, that six-man (or five-man and one-woman if you consider Terry Jones) team is about to be transformed into a load of old digits.
Will we get to see the infamous Parrot Sketch, Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Say No More by Messrs (from left to right) Cleese, Gilliam, Jones, Chapman, Palin and Idle on our Spectrum screens before Christmas? Probably not, but there’s always the TV re-run to keep you occupied until then.
‘I never wanted to be a computer game, you know I wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!’ ’Err, ’xcuse me, but that’s irrelevant, isn’t it?’
(Turns into camera, nods head, pushes fringe back) ‘Hello, Selina Snot from The Clothes Show here (sweet smile at camera, showing Tippex-white teeth)! If you’re wondering what to strut your (assume cheeky grin, lower voice and titter slightly) funky stuff in (close moist red lips, open, adopt normal voice) — here’s the answer, it’s the new Mastertronic t-shirt!
(Attempt to sound informed) ‘This innovative new design, featuring the bravado style of 2000 AD artist Jamie Hewlett, encapsulates the modernist games player’s phrase (open eyes wide to reveal sparkle, adopts bemused tone) ‘Well ’Ard!’.
‘Available from all reputable software stores the t-shirt is available in large, and extra large, for £4.99. (More smile, help-the-consumer voice) Alternatively it can be ordered direct from Mastertronic. Until next time, goodnight.’ (Turns away from camera to face Great Wall of China/sunset on Jamican beach/any exoctic location from the BBC photo library).
And what a sad disease it is. The symptoms are: getting all the most recent fab Hewson games (say, for example, Nebulus, Firelord, RanaRama, Netherworld, Impossaball, and Zynaps) and slamming them all into one pack. The disease has spread to further extremes: all six games are being offered for the one price of £12.99 on cassette!
From the operating theatre, where doctors are trying to surgically remove the compilation, Hewson said, ‘The pack is called HeatWave and is released now!’
A psychologist comments: ‘Blimey! Hewson are stark raving bonkers!’
Jeepers! Hullo everyone, I’m Konix’s fab new joystick — the Megablaster! I waggle to the left! I waggle to the right! I waggle up! I waggle down! And have two fire buttons! And all operated through microswitches. At £8.99 I believe I’m the cheapest joystick of my type ever! Byeeeeeee!
With all the horror and fantasy licensed games around, like Indy, Batman, Nightbreed, Nightmare On Elm St., etc., you’ll flip when you hear FEAR, the best horror/science fiction/fantasy magazine around, has gone monthly! And — and! — has dropped a whole quid from its cover-price, knocking it down to £1.50. That means there will be more brilliant fiction! More super interviews! Big film secrets revealed! And so much more, as they say. If you’ve known no fear get a taste for it now!
Who are these buffoons? Are they loony sun-seekers? Are they barmpots getting a sun tan? Yes! Because these three are just part of the CRASH team on their summer hols. Oooh, look there’s Richard ‘yibble’ Eddy! CRASH’s very own sexy production foxtress Jackie Morris! And if I’m not mistaken it’s Ad seller extraordinaire, Lee Watkins! Look at their bodies!!! Look at their legs!!! Woo! Sick bags ahoy!!
Do you have any legs? If so, there’s a prize for the best (or worst) pair sent to us (Er, photographs only please — Ed) Send piccies to KNOBBLY KNEES AT THE SEASIDE, CRASH.